History of The Woodland Hills Institute

 

History of

The Woodland Hills Institute

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Dr. Chumleigh Fahnestock (from life)

 The Woodland Hills Institute was founded many years ago by a certain philanthropist, who, having noticed with sorrow the increasing number of aging academics overrun with hebephrenia and consigned to the asylums, and especially regretting his own energetic harrassment of innumerable schoolmasters in his youth, established this pleasant retreat as a sanatarium to be run along the most modern lines, and accomodating such of those mentioned as may have somehow escaped the notice of the Authorities, to permit them the dignity of spending their declining years in the pursuit of their interests.
During the War years, while Fellows of the Institute "did their part" by developing ingenious but hopelessly complex theories in the hope of poking holes in quantum mechanics and by packaging and sterilising bandages, an occupation at which many of the Fellows became remarkably adept, an emergency arose due to the need for all qualified medical men on the Front.
During the ensuing transition to a new medical management, Fellows Fahnestock and Cushing-Barrows, who held the M. D. degree (Fahnestock's was Hon. Caus. on account of his once having performed the Heimlich Maneuver on the Queen) although without accreditation, left the building by the back door, bought new suits of clothing in the nearby village and returned to apply for positions on the medical staff.
Naturally, under the wartime conditions they were accepted, to the great delight of the other Fellows, who never tired of the late Dr Cushing-Barrows telling and re-telling the story, although in his later years he insisted on telling it in the voice of the tea-kettle he sometimes confused with himself.
This event marked the beginning of a gradual shift in the practices and mission of the Institute toward a direction which will, no doubt, have been suspected by the reader. In any event, The Institute now seldom attracts notice by the surrounding community.
As nearly as can be determined, Prof. H. Bronstein is now Chancellor of the Institute, although he is seldom seen or heard of, and Polov Kanter, M. D., Dean, is generally considered to be Bronstein's locum and stooge. The reclusiveness of Prof. Bronstein is said to be due to his fear of a sinister cabal he believes is composed of rogue Jesuits. He is known to have made arrangements to have the grounds of the Institute patrolled by motorcycle units from the Shriners on major feast days, which he considers especially propitious for Jesuitical attacks.
Kanter has been observed to have a pathological hatred of pigeons.